Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Driving in the country this afternoon, I saw a chicken – yes, an actual live chicken – pecking the grass at the end of a farmhouse lane.

To the best of my knowledge, the chicken never tried to cross the road... reducing the risk of existential questions.

"I Drew a Map of Canada, with Your Face Sketched on it Twice..."

I sit in full lotus on the grimy station floor, little white headphones in my ears... humming Joni Mitchell as I wait to board the London train.

I feel happy.




I am still leading a surreal life -- hovering between nations and suitcases (linen skirts and poetry). I feel content here, in this state of suspension -- more content to hover than to land.

But it seems I am landing -- gracefully, like a weightless dancer -- in the second land I've grown to love; Ariel has asked me to return to Toronto in October -- to love and live with him -- and I have agreed.




For several months now, I have been thinking about the nature of love -- feeling gratitude for my loves (past and present). I've grown so much with them, and in such unexpected ways -- just as I have also grown (in different but harmonious ways) in the spectrum of my solitude.




I'm agnostic, with no desire for illusions of god, fate, or destiny. I do not believe in "soul mates" -- cannot imagine that each person has only one partner they are somehow "meant" to find. I simply believe in the love, friendship, and trust that two people can mutually construct over months and years. I believe in passion -- and (atheistic) transcendence.




And I know of at least two men who feel like part of me -- who I love more deeply than my jagged tongue can say. Each man is so much of what I want (close friends... romantic lovers... intuitive artists... trusted companions...) and so much more than I had really hoped to find.




There is no right choice here -- and no wrong one.

The fallacy is in the choice itself: the insistence of monogamy, the dichotomy of "lover" and "friend," and the fear that imposes limits on ineffable love.




To the one I couldn't choose: I love you. I do. And I'm sorry...

9:48 PM: On a Bus Bound for Toronto

I am living up to my "postmodern vagabond" nature: flitting between Toronto and London (Ontario), a few days in each place, living out of suitcases and backpacks. Much to my delight, each time I travel I feel compelled to bring fewer items with me.




Years ago, I could not "travel light." I carried thick binders of creative notes: sketches for paintings... new stanzas of poetry... pages of in-progress theatre scripts... collages and mixed-media journal entries... and sentimental relics from people I'd met during my journeys.




And now: an electronic revolution!

A modest library of music CDs (and a series of French-language lessons) fits onto a player the size of a deck of cards. My photographs (and some raw video footage for a short film I'm brainstorming) fit on a tiny memory card in my camera; most of my other creative projects are on a laptop computer. With the exception of a bulging folder of random text (scrawled on coffee-splotched napkins and the thin white borders of newspapers), most of my creative life is now digital. As a result, the weight of my creativity is a mind-bending eight pounds...

Butterflies and Gnawing Locusts

After six months apart, we met on a park bench.

I sat in the sun, a flowing pink skirt brushing against my calves; he arrived with a guitar case slung over his shoulder.

We embraced.




And then -- what exactly?

It's so difficult to say...




We spent seven hours together.



He played a few songs...

We shared a picnic on the top of a hill in Riverdale Park (fresh multigrain bread, seasoned olives, Canadian brie, and smoked fish) while children tossed baseballs to each other on the fields below...

We trekked through the Don Valley, charting new paths...

We argued -- as we so often did.

But we stayed -- as we also often did -- and found points of connection: the words unsaid, and the real sense of words we'd each spoken.



I am learning to live with less certainty -- and more trust.

Pigeon-feeding, Popular Culture, and Echoes of the Freemasons

I intended to take a ballet class tonight -- but as I was stuffing my workout clothes into my backpack, a friend called to invite me to dinner. With my calves already sore, and already feeling a bit hungry and rushed, I pulled the workout clothes out of my bag and hopped on the subway to meet him for Thai food.

Emerging at Yonge and Bloor, I found a strange woman with a shopping cart piled with buckets of birdseed. As she sprinkled seeds on the sidewalk, she cooed at the pigeons and began speaking to them -- affectionately, it seemed -- in a language I couldn't understand.




Then -- with bellies full of mango chicken and green curry, I walked with my friend to a building on Yonge just North of Bloor: the headquarters of MTV Canada.




It's quite an exceptional space -- a former Masonic Temple that has been converted to various small TV studios. My friend (who runs lights for a few of the MTV shows) gave me a tour, and I snapped a few photos -- with a strange degree of trepidation.





Despite its conversion to a pop culture mecca, the building retains many original details -- which lend the space an incongruous sobriety. I felt like an interloper...

To see abandoned fragments of the masons' rituals, out of their formal context, felt surreal -- and perhaps even disrespectful. What right do I have to photograph the relics of the freemasons -- and to document something I do not understand?



So I've decided to do a bit of reading about the masons... and to go back again in the next few weeks.

I hope that a deeper awareness of their rituals may let me capture something I felt I couldn't really see tonight.

Poetry, Elliptical Orbits, and Heliocentric Lives

This was a truly lovely day.

I saw Ewan, after he'd been away from the city for a few days... and it felt so nice to take his hand and wander around the Annex streets. We stopped to sit and talk beneath trees, on campus benches, and in a small courtyard with a chessboard inlaid into the concrete tabletop...




He's delightful.




I want more of this: more poetry, more kindness... more afternoons with dark chocolate... more moments of connection, of slowly drawing each other back to the sun...

"His Eye is on the Sparrow"

We intersect at Bloor and Yonge: an accident on the corner. We watch medics pull bodies from broken glass. I try not to stare.

Fingers light on my wrist, you guide me down a quiet street. The barista greets you by name; you carry our lattes out the back, smiling over your shoulder from the fire escape.

I lean against the café wall beside the vent from the roaster (gentle smoke, deeply aromatic, arousing as any scent) and watch you pull a moleskin journal from your bag.

I am squinting in the sun as you recite Catullus – a translation you wrote this morning. Two millennia incarnate in your voice: gentle as the sparrow you tease from my breast, pecking wistful hands…

In your measured cadence, your sonorous voice, I hear us make love: rhythm of tides… ductility of gold… spinning of stars over hemispheres...

(I hear you moan, one octave below: content in my taste and your sweat.)

You’re closing the notebook, your hand touches mine, and we fly.

I Could Not Take a Photograph

thick fog:
streetlights twine
through maple leaves

softly, in pace,
past teens on the swings:
(2 a.m.) pendulums swaying...
haze of the night
like stratified time

(your hand in my hair)
(knees damp on the grass)
(overexposed)

moment replayed:
lines overlaid

It Had Hardly Rained for Weeks...

... and the earth had begun to break in jagged fissures, splitting patches of grass into miniature islands, creating thin canyons. (Whimsically, I found myself thinking about scale and perspective, remembering the firefly's arduous journey across my arm.) Driving on old country roads, black tar rose from gravel: forming boils that crackled beneath my tires... a sound reminiscent of popcorn ringing in an aluminum pan... or of wringing a sheet of plastic packing bubbles with my small childhood hands.

Last night, minutes after midnight: a deluge.



I scampered to my outdoor painting studio and pulled a canvas beneath my shirt to protect it from rain. I slid boxes of acrylics and liquid lead beneath the porch overhangs. Then, hearing hail, I darted back inside.

I shifted to the (enclosed) porch to comfort my anxious golden retriever... listening carefully for any signs of intensification: a howling train-whistle wind -- or sudden silence. Finding neither, I watched (delighted) as the darkened windows glinted with reflected light.



The flashes mounted until the night sky was rarely even dark, but caught instead in flickering suspension: like a jar of captured fireflies -- or a flurry of photographs beneath a dim streetlight.

This is What Inspiration Looks Like

Earlier this afternoon, intending to continue editing Fragments, I pushed the novella away (for what I imagined would be just a few minutes) so I could organize a nearby stack of poetry into the table of contents for another book.

I had been contemplating this second book for several weeks, because although I have occasionally written fiction, my primary literary conduit is poetry -- and has been for most of my life. Each time I've mentioned Fragments to someone who has known me for years, they show interest -- and invariably, they also ask when I'll publish another collection of poems. (I self-published my first chapbook, Candied Nothings, in 1999.)

So -- this afternoon -- intending only to select my favourite poems, I soon found myself laying them out in a possible order -- and simultaneously matching them with photographs I've taken over the past decade. Working on the graphic design, each facing spread became a post-it note scribbled with poem titles and quick sketches -- all arranged (and rearranged) on a window beside my desk.

Then: thinking about the trajectory of the poetry, as well as my intent to somehow use this work a symbolic companion to the novella, I brainstormed titles... and found that three titles obliquely reference rituals of the winter solstice. (Since I am still contemplating, I won't list the options here -- though I may announce a working title sometime in the next few weeks.)

Now, after a couple of delightfully-productive hours, I have the foundation for another book. It's time to turn off my laptop -- change into a flowing skirt -- and celebrate!

Status Update on my Fragments Novella -- And a Dash of Cinematic Aspiration

Tonight, I began reading Fragments from the beginning, continuing through the halfway point.

(I was startled to discover how objective I could be. I didn't feel like the novella's writer; I felt like its editor.)

At times, I was brutal with my cuts and revisions -- and deservedly so. But the process was also quite heartening; I have a couple stylistic issues to resolve -- and I'm aware that many vignettes must still be written to create a satisfying narrative -- but overall, I like the form and content.

Something I have not mentioned before (but that seems worth whispering now) is that while most of the sections are written in first-person narrative form, some feel better suited to a cinematic rendering. So -- a few of the vignettes are now emerging first as film scenes (with suggestions for camera angles and cuts) and are then being "translated" to fit the novella's structure.

I have never worked this way before, though my writing has always been imagistic. It seems to mark a distinct shift in my creative and professional focus: perhaps an extension of my rising interest in visual art that began a few years ago when I worked on performance installations at DNA... and then shifted away from theatre, into dance.

I don't know what will come of all this.

I've never written a film script before, and it sometimes feels a bit daunting to learn yet another lexicon. But I had never written a novella, either, before I began Fragments a few months ago... and Fragments seems to be progressing realatively smoothly -- so why not?

I Wrote "I Love You" in the Sand (as Titania Watched and Faeries Frolicked)

I wrote "I love you" in the sand.

You built our castle.



This is no crumbling edifice -- no dreamt midsummer night -- no tempest in a cup of herbal tea.

This is simplicity -- divinity -- instinct manifest.

This is the innocence of swing-sets by the slow rise of a waxing moon.



This night is a white kitten on the sidewalk by the park...

tofu and bean sprouts on the pavilion steps...

and an orange tiger lilly in a water-bottle vase.

Still Life with Fireflies (and Einstein)

The fireflies are swarming.

On my arms like preludes to approaching rain, I feel their tiny bodies ricochet.

Most dive and recover, arcing off my skin; others land, stunned, and crawl across follicles that are nearly half their size.

Everything is relative, it seems -- their obstacles are thin as filaments.

I strive to walk slowly...

I don't want to impede their flight.

The Angel of History

I have been folding my grandparents' clothing.

This is an intimate task; they died several years ago, but their clothing is still a corporeal presence. We have a closet full of fabric no one wears: Grandma's modest cotton sun-dresses... Grandpa's polyester slacks (some with wear spots at the knees)... a dozen pairs of white long johns (because he was thin and always cold). At the back of the closet: pairs of shoes that still hold imprints of their feet.



There is so much history here: a Christmas photograph from 1955... Grandpa's lunch bucket from the years he worked in the coal mine... Grandma's driver education card -- granted in 1939...

The objects they chose to keep are notable signs of what they valued -- but also interesting is what they didn't keep; neither grandparent wrote a journal, so I have no direct window into their most personal thoughts.



There is such history in this small town as well: the town where my great-grandparents immigrated and raised their families, where my grandparents had lived all their lives, where my father returned to raise his kids (and work with his sister, who has also lived her entire life in this town). My brother and I are the first generation to leave; though we're both home temporarily, he has spent the last decade in Austin, Texas, while I've been away at college and then off working in Toronto and New York.

I am humbled by how often I meet someone here who I don't remember. Often, they are people who knew me as a child... or who know my father or grandparents. Some simply recognize me from articles in the local newspaper, and they congratulate me on my academic and artistic achievements. When I tell them how I've failed -- perhaps not as often as I've "succeeded," but surely more spectacularly -- they dismiss failures instantly. What is most important to them is that I've followed my aspirations and trusted my own dreams.

When I find myself in conversation with old friends (even those I didn't know particularly well), the dialogue is so fulfilling. I am still thinking about my talk with Tom, who has worked at the local newspaper for more than five decades... I am thinking of the joy of running into Angela at the library -- and seeing how happy she is with her spouse and child. I am thinking of the waitress I worked with while I was in high school; her husband recently left her, and despite her obvious pain, she's much better off alone. I'm remembering my grocery store conversation with one of the "girls" (all must have been over 50) who sat at the gossip table at my restaurant, drinking coffee and fawning over the local "heartthrob" (who was also in his 50s). And then there's J.R., my closest high school friend -- who recently reminded me that we made a pact as kids to marry each other if we didn't find other partners by a certain age. (I laughed -- then thought about it -- then revised the age slightly upward -- but agreed that we'd probably do quite well together. So the marriage pact is valid...)



It is a joy to return to this small Midwestern town -- two and a half decades after I was born into it.

I see it differently now; I can appreciate what it is, rather than demeaning it for what it can never be.

For years now, intent on succeeding in the (cannibalistic) arts worlds of major cities, I have neglected my own heritage and the many friends and relatives and teachers who helped me grow into the woman I've become (and am still becoming). Yes, I'm still the urban artist -- but I'm also the Luddite who can read for hours in a clearing in the woods... the girl who -- at dusk last night -- went for my first (spontaneous) swim of the season: stripping off dance clothes and wading into the lake. I'm the same girl (woman) who -- more than 15 years ago -- waded into that same lake to rescue a frightened fawn from our overzealous terrier. As a child, I was so in touch with the rhythm of this land that wild sparrows would land on my fingers to eat birdseed.



Whatever else I do in the next months and years of my life -- regardless of what happens with my novella or the recent job offers from New York -- I want to cultivate this powerful tranquility: to be so serene that birds might choose to perch on me again.

Malleability and Ductility: An Urban Artist is Hugging Trees

At dusk last night, when I caught a glimpse of myself walking back into the house, after many hours outside (gardening, landscaping, laying bricks, etc) I felt three nearly-simultaneous thoughts:

1) My clothing was filthy (a paint-stained tee shirt with my high school track logo... over mud-spattered dance pants), and I was disheveled (hair half-coiled in humid tendrils... a streak of mud where I'd pushed back falling bangs)
2) I looked tired -- but young -- and very happy
3) My friends and colleagues in New York would not recognize me here

~ * ~

Actually, that last thought/feeling isn't true.

Some of my closest New York friends would be happy to see my windswept country splendor.

One of my favourite friends in the city is originally from Vermont; she'd love to see me so relaxed, and I think she'd find this rural life delightful. Another friend would also understand: some months ago, he left NY for a more peaceful Connecticut life (inspired by thoughts of grassy yards and simple canine companionship). An East Village choreographer/filmmaker (who summers in the Hamptons) would empathize. Two Brooklyn friends -- an exquisite dancer/choreographer/puppeteer and an innovative musician -- would be thrilled to see me living so holistically. And two similarly brilliant friends/colleagues -- one a writer, the other a theatre director and video artist -- would understand completely.

~ * ~

I shouldn't fault my colleagues -- I'm the one who cannot recognize myself.

(Is this muddy country girl the same woman who lived in New York?)

Just last October, I worked at City Center -- calling the cues for Christopher's magnificent dance as I crouched in the wings off-stage right. Last November, I was giddy for David's show at the Brooklyn Academy of Music -- slipping seamlessly through corridors with my backstage pass. And I never imagined I would tour as I did. Memories of those months in New York are staggering; I accomplished things so grand I had little time to dream before they morphed from chimera to (transient) reality.

~ * ~

The heights of those achievements made the undertow quite hard.

I was freelancing for so many different companies that I felt I spent more time commuting between meetings than actually working. Some of the companies paid me well... others couldn't pay me at all (but I chose to work with them for the inspiration they sparked)... another intended to pay decently but later didn't (as their finances became strained by other starving artists). I felt pulled in incongruous (and irreconcilable) directions. And I was drowning -- financially, creatively, and existentially.

~ * ~

And now?

I've resurfaced.

I'm breathing... laughing... singing... writing... reading... sketching... dancing.

I'm living.

And I feel ready to live.

The Front Moves Through

Over the last day (and night), a powerful storm forged new elements of the Midwestern landscape. My family’s home emerged unscathed, but the wind was awe-inspiring: a raw, sustained assault.

Yesterday morning, while I was upstairs writing, a branch snapped off the locust tree and struck the window, near my desk. The wind held it there, pressed to the glass, for more than a minute until the gust abated and the branch dropped to the twig-littered grass two stories below.

This morning appears gentler but reserves chaotic intent. The dank air is unnervingly dense; the sky: an eerie blend of rust and grey.

Birds are colliding with our windows at a startling rate. Are they simply blown off course by the wind? Or so disoriented by the rigors of mating season that they dive headfirst into their own reflection, entranced by themselves in another’s guise?

This storm – literally and allegorically – reminds me of another one that passed last year, while I was staying in Toronto with a man I loved; that night became the basis of a couple chapters in Fragments, the novella I’m writing…

(I may post those chapters soon…)

Catharsis

Last night, after a domestic frustration (the cause of which I will tactfully leave vague), I laced up a pair of old jogging shoes in an angry huff, choosing (against prevailing instincts) not to slam the door as I left.

Striding North through overgrown grass (iPod and travel-size speakers in tow), I kept marching past the pond where I had intended to sit: too frustrated by the incongruity between my distress and its tranquil nature. So instead, I kept walking... until I reached the clearing in the pines.

I broke apart the tranquil dusk with (ironic) Nirvana.

I flung myself into the humid air, landing momentarily on fallen pine needles, then launching again (and again) until I began to feel calm.

In that liminal place (between life and art), I began to notice the remarkable height of my leaps... the grace of my landings... the fluid contortions of my spine... and the openness of my hips.

And with that awareness, the anger dissolved. The dance began.

Thoughts on Artistic Inspiration -- and Hunger -- and Advocacy

I am writing a series of articles about the sources of my inspiration: the people and companies that have shaped my artistic vision.

I have a rather eclectic aesthetic... so writing about inspirations is an inherently interdisciplinary task. I intend to touch upon contemporary dance, interdisciplinary text/image collaborations, performance art, writing, and film. Geographically, I intended to focus on two of the cities where I recently lived and worked: Toronto and New York. (Occasionally, I will venture outside of these geographic boundaries -- especially when writing about film, which is a migratory art.) For the most part, I'll omit high-profile influences who have well-established funding structures; I'm more interested in writing about early- and mid-career artists: people whose work I have seen live (not just in photographs or archival videos), and many of whom I have been fortunate to work with in some capacity.

~ * ~

I feel it's important for me to articulate what inspires me -- and then distill that inspiration -- to see if I can apply my passion for the arts to another field -- perhaps one that will place me above the poverty line (for the first time in my adult life). I am thinking seriously about graduate school in 2008, and there are several fields that interest me; I think writing may clarify my choice.

But I also have a pragmatic motive, and I want to make it quite overt. I want to celebrate gifted artists who -- despite pathetic underfunding -- manage to create inspiring work. While I lack the financial resources to be a "patron," my voice is unfettered; I hope (perhaps naively?) that my advocacy might increase awareness of their work. And even if the impact is negligible, it is still an impact. And if someone reads about a choreographer in my blog and then supports her/him by attending a performance (or slipping a small donation into an envelope for any of the artists who so desperately need the support) then my words will help a hungry dancer afford to eat.

~ * ~

I'll begin with a post about Susanna Hood, a very talented Toronto dancer/choreographer.

(Posts about other artists will gradually follow, over several weeks.)

Perhaps 'Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely' -- But Could Barack Obama Alter this Trend?

Yesterday afternoon, I read a long New Yorker article ("The Conciliator" by Larissa MacFarquhar) about Barack Obama's character and political style. The link had been forwarded by a Canadian friend who now assists a Member of Parliament -- but who also has a strong background in the arts; this friend's instincts (on art -- and politics) have often been deeply insightful. So it was with great curiosity that I began to read about Obama -- and my curiosity soon turned to delight.

I hesitate to write this (since in reality, hope and politics are deeply incongruous), but for the first time in my eligible voting life, I feel excited about a political candidate who is actually a serious contender for President. (As much as I appreciated Nader in 2000, I voted for him in idealistic protest, not political strategy.)

I rarely think of "morality" as a defining qualifier for political candidates; mostly, I have taken the corruption in stride -- knowing that many American political leaders will exploit power for their personal gain, with little regard for their constituents (who are either too disillusioned to track news of political debauchery -- or too preoccupied with their daily drowning: struggling to feed their families as they live month-to-month without emergency savings or basic health insurance).

I cannot fault Americans who see this and choose not to vote. Political debates can be uniquely depressing: white male millionaires in tailored suits with ivy-league educations pretending to know what America is -- with no real understanding of what life in this country actually feels like for the majority of us.

In this context, politically apathy seems like a sane coping mechanism. Nevertheless, it is a deeply unacceptable one.

Change is long overdue. It's time to embrace postmodern patriotism. Let's dare to really love our country -- and love it through honest appraisals of its faults and determination to reshape its future.

Let's elect someone who understands the principles on which this country was founded -- and who can reach humbly toward representatives of different political inclinations to ensure our country grows closer to its founding ideals.

-------------------------

(Photo credit: Caricature accompanied a brilliant article in the Economist.)

Thoughts of New York "Downtown Dancer(s)"

This morning, I stumbled across the "Downtown Dancer" blog, written by a NY-based dancer who appears to be as articute with her words as she must be with her physicality.

In a recent post titled Is that the Ghost of Bloggers Past?, she writes so clearly what most of us have felt at one time or another: "How many more years can an intelligent person with a solid education struggle with money, health insurance, and the vagaries of a dance career?"

I've been writing a dirge of my own -- a "call to arms" in honour of DeeAnn Nelson, the young NY dancer who was seriously injured in performance about a week ago. I didn't know her personally, though I respect the company with which she was dancing. And I am always feel empathy for dancers who are suffering like this young woman -- who will continue to suffer as she undergoes multiple surgeries and rehabilitation to repair her fractured spine...